Lost Spaces: Memories from Gay Bars, Lesbian Clubs, and LGBTQ+ Parties lost queer spaces

So, if you're reading these show notes I'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that you know about the Pulse nightclub shooting that happened in Orlando in 2016.

And I'm also going to assume that you've heard some of the stories from survivors and families of victims about the impact of that night.

But, now that we're a few years on and people's attention has moved elsewhere what happens to those feelings that are sitting there for people that were impacted by that night?

What if Pulse was your safe space?

How do you move on whilst never forgetting the importance of that space?

Well, for actor / writer JJ Ivey, who turned up to Pulse every Tuesday for karaoke night, there are still a mix of emotions.

They're obviously really grateful for what that space facilitated for them, but they're still figuring out how to grieve it properly.

What I appreciated most about this week's conversation is that JJ was really open about some of the messiness of their emotions and how they are continuing to make sense of something that will never make sense...



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Takeaways


Finding a supportive community and embracing one's true self can lead to personal growth and acceptance.


The mean gay phase may stem from fear and the pressure to be perfect.
It's important to be aware of our actions and considerate of others in public spaces. Pulse Orlando provided a welcoming and non-judgmental environment for JJ Ivey, marking a shift in their mean and sassy gay phase.
Exploring drag allowed JJ to discover their non-binary identity and embrace different aspects of their gender expression.
Finding a group of friends who accepted and supported their authentic self was crucial for JJ's personal growth and happiness.
Gender euphoria, rather than dysphoria, can be a valid and important aspect of one's gender identity. Self-discovery is a lifelong journey, and it's never too late to learn more about yourself.
Tragedies like the Pulse nightclub shooting can have a profound impact on individuals and communities, challenging their sense of safety and forcing them to confront their own mortality.
It's important to embrace the good in people and build connections with others, even in the face of tragedy and uncertainty.
Finding strength in community and supporting one another can help navigate the challenges and complexities of life.


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I've been thinking a lot lately about how your life can just happen to you. And, if you're not careful you can wake up one day wondering how you ended up there.

But then, there are times when we take the bull by the horns and throw caution to the wind (and all the other cliches that you can think of), even if we know we might fail.

Anyway, I had a wonderful reminder of that strength and courage that we can summon this week when I spoke to the cabaret performer Rudy Jeevanjee.

Rudy found, through the Cocoa Butter Club, (which hosted regular nights at lost London space Her Upstairs), his people AND his purpose. What more could you ask for?

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Takeaways


Realising one's sexuality can happen at a young age, and it is important to create a safe and accepting environment for young people to explore their identities.


Early sexual experiences can shape one's understanding of their sexuality and impact their journey to find inner peace.
Navigating relationships and the gay scene can be challenging, and it is important to find spaces and connections that feel genuine and supportive.


The clubbing scene can provide a sense of belonging and freedom for LGBTQ+ individuals, but it may also lack inclusivity and representation.
Performing can be a transformative experience that allows individuals to express different aspects of their identity and gain confidence.


Embrace and celebrate all parts of yourself, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone.


The queer scene has evolved and changed over time, and individuals may have different experiences and preferences within it.




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I love hearing people's stories of places that are close to their hearts - places where they spent tonnes of time, met lots of wonderful people, and figured out things about themselves.

But, you know what else I love?

When people want to talk about places that they HATED!

And hate is maybe too strong a word for this week's guest's experience, but I still enjoyed hearing about how the sticky floors and the dark, dank bar were just not up their alley.

And who's alley were we not up?

Well, it's Layne the Auctionista, who joined me to talk about Seven, the aforementioned dark bar that was found in London, Ontario, Canada.



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Takeaways


Coming out later in life can present unique challenges and opportunities for self-discovery and acceptance.
Family acceptance and support are crucial in the coming out process.
Finding community and connecting with others who share similar experiences is important for personal growth and a sense of belonging.
Navigating lesbian spaces can be both empowering and challenging, with a range of experiences and representations.
Transitioning to a non-binary identity can be a liberating and authentic expression of self. Authenticity and self-acceptance are key to finding happiness and love.


Uncomfortable spaces can sometimes lead to significant personal growth.


Lesbian stereotypes do not apply to everyone, and each relationship is unique.


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So, if you were to ask me to overly generalise and boil down the types of experiences that guests on this show have had when first accessing a queer space I'd say they neatly fit in to two categories:



1) there are those who feel instantly at home and like they've arrived.

2) there are those who feel like an outsider, or a 'tourist' in the space.



Sometimes that feeling of being an outsider goes away after a few visits when they get the chance to ease in to the space and better understand the culture. But sometimes they remain a tourist... which isn't necessarily a bad thing.



Which brings us to this week's guest - author, screenwriter, and producer Abdi Nazemian - who never stopped feeling like a tourist, but still credits his lost space, Disco 2000 at The Limelight in New York City, with inspiring him to be passionate and brave and fun.

We talk about the club kid scene in this episode, which was happening in NYC in the early 90s. I don't think you need to know much about the history of the scene to follow the conversation, but if you're so inclined I'd recommend reading this article to find out more (they even have their own Wikipedia page!)



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Takeaways


Arriving in New York City for college was a transformative experience for Abdi Nazemian, who felt a sense of freedom and self-expression in the city.
Abdi's countercultural fashion sense and artistic interests set him apart in his boarding school, where he felt isolated and craved the vibrancy of a city like New York.
The Club Kid scene in New York City in the 1990s provided a sense of community and liberation for Abdi, who found acceptance and a space to explore his identity.
Abdi's journey of self-discovery and coming to terms with his sexuality was influenced by his experiences in the club scene and the challenges he faced in a conservative boarding school environment.
The Club Kid scene had a profound impact on Abdi, inspiring him to create a new identity and embrace a sense of freedom and self-expression. The club kid scene provided a sense of liberation, creativity, and boldness for Abdi Nazemian.
Creating a persona can be a survival necessity for queer individuals
The process of self-creation in the Club Kid scene allowed Abdi to become the person he wanted to be.
Being an outsider in different communities taught Abdi the importance of forgiveness and acceptance.
Forgiveness requires acknowledging that blame may have been misplaced and finding peace. Blame, acceptance, and forgiveness are important aspects of personal growth and finding peace.
Fear and shame associated with sexuality during the AIDS epidemic had a profound impact on queer individuals.


Counterculture plays a significant role in shaping mainstream culture, and fresh ideas are essential in art and entertainment.


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We seem to have, in the last few months, had a lot of religious guests, and through that we've had a lot of conversations about how religiosity can be in direct conflict with queerness, and all the issues that that can create.
But what we haven't really talked about are the similarities between religion and queerness.
And, to be fair, there probably aren't that many, but what stuck out for me in this week's conversation is that they both offer community and the promise of belonging.
And that might not have specifically been what this week's guest, Dr Luke Wilson, was seeking in either, but that's what stood out for me in this conversation.
Luke was an Evangelical Christian in his teens and 20s, and though that provided certainty in some aspects of his life, it also threw up a whole host of questions and points of conflict for him.
And, it was at an unknown gay bar in Albuquerque, New Mexico (where he happened to be visiting for a conference) that he got a proper peek at what it might mean if he left religion behind and embraced his queerness.
Find out more in this week's episode.

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Takeaways

Evangelicalism can have a profound impact on personal identity and sexuality, often leading to feelings of anger and frustration.
Motivations for embracing evangelicalism can include the desire for community and the need to appease family members.
Evangelical beliefs can be intellectually inconsistent and resistant to questioning.


Transitioning away from a religious community can involve untangling one's life and finding new sources of support and community.
Entering a gay bar for the first time can be an exhilarating and transformative experience, especially for individuals who have repressed their sexuality due to religious or societal pressures.
Premeditation and repression often accompany the exploration of one's queerness, as individuals navigate the tension between their desires and their religious or moral beliefs.
The queer community can provide a sense of belonging and authenticity that may be lacking in other areas of life, allowing individuals to embrace their true selves.
Early encounters and experiences with same-sex attraction can be confusing and awkward, often leaving individuals with feelings of guilt and shame.


Living authentically and allowing lived experiences to shape one's beliefs can lead to a more fulfilling and genuine life, even if it means challenging previously held religious or moral frameworks. The process of self-acceptance and embracing one's queer identity can be a profound and transformative experience.
Finding a supportive community of like-minded individuals can be instrumental in navigating the challenges of coming out and living authentically.
Religious upbringings can create internal conflicts and feelings of shame and guilt for queer individuals.
Conversion therapy is a harmful and ineffective practice that can lead to further self-hatred and emotional distress.


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Can you really call yourself queer if you don't have a weird love/hate relationship with your home town?

Because even if you love the place that you're from and you had an idyllic childhood there's still that reckoning that you need to have with all of those feelings of isolation and anticipation judgement and scorn when you came to terms with your identity... and, sometimes even experiencing ACTUAL judgement and scorn.

Which brings us to today's guest (not that I'm asking you to judge and scorn him, just that this experience of feeling unwanted in his hometown is something that is familiar to him).

It's singer/songwriter Matt Fishel.

Matt grew up in Nottingham, England in the 90s, and, in this weird pre-internet age (when it wasn't always easy to discover gay bars) he found himself at what he thought was the only gay bar in town, The Mill.



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Takeaways


Discovering one's sexuality at a young age can be a mix of happiness and depression, especially when unable to openly discuss it with others.

Navigating through emotions and accepting one's sexuality is a personal journey that takes time and self-reflection. Coming out can be a challenging and traumatic experience, especially in a conservative and homophobic environment.

Having a supportive network of friends is crucial in navigating the process of coming out.

The timing and fears associated with coming out can vary for each individual.

Validation and liberation are common feelings experienced after coming out.

Media portrayals and societal expectations can create internal conflicts for individuals questioning their identity. Being gay in your teenage years can be a challenging and isolating experience, with the fear of being found out and the pressure to hide your true self.

Finding gay spaces and opportunities to explore and practice your sexuality can be difficult, especially in smaller towns or communities.

Media representation of healthy gay relationships was limited in the 90s, with many portrayals focusing on tragedy or stereotypes.

Despite the challenges, discovering and embracing your sexuality can be a fascinating and liberating experience.
Matt reflects on his journey of self-acceptance and offers advice to young LGBTQ+ individuals to embrace their identity and explore the world beyond their immediate surroundings.





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